Have you ever had the urge to end an awkward silence or you find the person next to you interesting and you want to start a conversation - or you are in meeting, conference or seminar and it's time to mingle, network, chat with colleagues, or meet clients. Many of us struggle with the art of conversation which invariable affects our social skills.
Some of the best professionals I know can converse effectively when it's a topic about their skill set, but to start an informal type of discourse, they hang like a computer with an overloaded memory.
The anxiety of starting or responding to casual conversation makes many of us to dread social events. I know of a friend who avoids his neighbors just because of this.
Unfortunately, in our absorption with our own discomfort with small talks, our neighbors, co workers, acquaintances, spouse, friends, family and associate can label us as cold, distant, reserved, arrogant or proud.
If you feel anxiety every time you want to start a conversation or you dry out almost immediately you say "hello", then you need to learn and practice the art of small talk.
So if you are ready can i quickly get some hands?
Small talk is the art of engaging any individual in a meaningful dialogue.
And it goes a long way towards building business relationship, closing a deal, getting a sale, making a friend or starting a romantic relationship.
The good news is that this conversation skill is learn-able. Small talks are not something that is biologically instinctive in many of us, only few are born with the superb ability to mingle, the rest of us have to learn it, myself inclusive.
But before i talk about how to start a simple conversation using small talks, let me ask - Why Bother?
With the world now a global village, with the advent of internet, smartphones, emails, social media, blogs etc. Our high tech world has created a void in our connection with each other.
Yet, we are biologically social beings - we crave physical human connection; love, importance, appreciation and relevance.
That is why the art of conversation will always bloom So how do you start a conversation using small talk?
There are 3 first steps to initiating a conversation with a stranger
Step 1: Let go of your fear of strangers, remember your very close friend now was once a stranger. So in a safe situation, it is ok to talk to strangers. See strangers as people who can bring new experiences to your life
Step 2: Ignore that little voice telling you the worse, it's just anxiety coming from your belief or experience and not the situation. The other person might just be glad to have someone to talk to.
Step 3:Take the risk. Take action. Extend your hand, say hello and smile. What is the worst thing that could happen?
I was in a business marketing seminar somewhere in Ogba, Lagos state some years back and after the convener had blessed us with his knowledge on the subject matter, then came break time - time to mingle with strangers, i froze as all the worst that could happen kept creeping into my mind.
The guy i sat next to had started a conversation with the other guy next to him and they looked like they were "flowing". After some lonely minute of fiddling with my note book, i decided to form busy with my phone. It was then a lady sitting behind me, tapped my shoulder and asked for my notebook, i looked back and gave it to her, she smiled and looked through my notes and smiled again.
Then she looked at me still smiling and said "Bros, your handwriting is bad" then i smiled, turned my chair to face hers and offered to read it to her, then we started talking more about the seminar and our own businesses, it was fun and all my fears then didn't matter because i was glad i smiled back.
People with good conversation skills understand that icebreakers can be personal and impersonal when starting small talks.
They understand that personal icebreakers like polite greetings, compliments on looks or fashion style are used with caution. While impersonal icebreakers are context tailored to the situation.
Several other potential icebreakers are
- What do you find interesting about your boss?
- What do you find annoying about your boss?
- I am looking for a good movie/restaurant/shopping mall/tailor/hairdresser etc, can you recommend any?
- How did you come up with this idea
?- What do you enjoy most about your job?
- What is the most difficult aspect of your job?
- What advise would you give someone just starting a business?
What are the challenges of your --------------------- business?
- Do you know someone who can help me with -------------------?
- What did you do before work at your present job?
The key is in asking the right question so that the other person gives you enough "" to work with and you just listen, then you follow up with another question - if need be, you must actively participate in the conversation.
Remember the golden rule of small talks - Speak Out, Show Interest and Listen.
So how do you become skilled in small talks?
Practice. Like i said before, many of us are not born with the natural instinct to mingle and be a crowd pleaser. Most of us are born shy. But with practice, little by little we unravel the mingle-genius in us and it begins to feel natural.
So remember when next an opportunity present itself - take the lead, break the ice, show interest, listen and maintain the conversation.
One of the biggest impediment to a good personal conversation is one man's inability to listen intelligently, understandingly, and skillfully to another person - says Psychologist Carl Rogers.
Lastly we have the mental element to attentive listening. This is the special power of a good conversationalist- the ability to retain what has been said by the speaker. It takes enough focus and retentive memory to be able to track a conversation and take mental notes
We once chatted with a man, me and a group of friends, as one of us was soon to get married in a few weeks, the man decided to dishing out marriage tips and mentioned his *young son* a couple of times and some of the cute things he does.
After the short chat, the man was about to take his leave and one of our friend asked that he gives our regard to his "daughter"- Another important thing to note during a conversation is the "name".
Some of the worst thing that can happen in the middle of a conversation is to forget the other persons name and then call them by a wrong name.
There is something in a name. When you ask a person "What is your name", place emphasis on the word "your"and not "name", according to Debra Fine, in her book, The Fine Art of Small Talks, this signals to the person that they are important.
And when a person says their name, to them, that is the most beautiful pronunciation they have ever heard. So take a mental note of that and learn to use it during a conversation.
The purpose is to get you off mute to being a good conversationist at events, social gatherings, meetings, seminars, and even in public places.
The aim is to help you improve your social skill by teaching you the art of engaging any individual in a mean dialogue. For the listening aspect, you need to *stay focused, use eye contact, be conscious of your body language, give feedbacks and takeh mental note of important points* that can be used to ask questions or create content for further discussion.
If you would like to join our community on Facebook where we learn, share and inspire on how to become a great conversationist, please follow our page using this link..https://web.facebook.com/conversationpros
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